Love, Pray, Listen by Mary DeMuth

Author:Mary DeMuth
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family and Relationships;Parent and adult child—Religious aspects—Christianity;Bible;Corinthians;1st;XIII—Criticism;interpretation;etc;Adult children—Religious life;REL012030;FAM033000;FAM030000
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2022-06-21T00:00:00+00:00

Be a Giver

The opposite of demanding your own way is to live through a framework of giving. Luke explains it well: “And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’” (Acts 20:35). It’s difficult for parents to know exactly what gifts their adult children might want. When they were younger, we met so many of their basic needs (food, shelter, clothing, love), but now their needs tend toward the intangible. So often, we misinterpret their needs through our own framework of the past.

God calls us to be learners, to exegete our adult children, mining what they truly need, and asking him for wisdom about the new way we should give. Advice is a tricky gift—it’s not always perceived positively. Think back on your twenties. Did you welcome helpful counsel from your parents? Or did you perceive their suggestions as judgments? It’s a difficult transition from provider and protector to coach and friend. When your generosity is laced with control, don’t be surprised if your children reject your “gift.”

Asking questions is the best way to learn what your adult children need. Our youngest gave us a typical Amazon birthday list full of makeup and craft items. However, she would soon be moving into a new apartment and would have some furniture needs, so I asked her, “Is there anything you want to finish out your apartment?” She sent me several links to desks she liked, so we bought her a desk for her birthday. This made the desk a gift, not a handout, which is an important distinction. As children leave the nest, we may default to the same provider role, assuming that our generosity helps them establish their new lives. While it’s terrific to help our kids navigate college with a homey dorm, as they get jobs, rent apartments, and live on their own, we do not serve them as fellow adults to pick up the tab for all their expenses. Instead, spontaneous gifts based on good intel will go a long way. Recently, one of our kids needed a washer and dryer. I felt tempted to buy the set, but as I prayed, I sensed it was important that they make this purchase on their own. When they asked for help in finding an affordable set, I sent a few links, but I didn’t pay for them.

To be generous is to live like Jesus, but that doesn’t mean we give willy-nilly or without intelligence based on the needs of our adult children. Some parents threaten the autonomy of their adult kids and shortchange their growth journey by defaulting to pay for everything. We have to remember this is a new phase of life. The old ways of providing are no longer applicable, so we navigate the new way by asking questions, not assuming their response. What’s even harder is not acting on the desire to bail out your adult child when they break financially, so be very cautious of this.

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